aka "How Mommy Rationalizes Her Faults"
*ahem*
1. I don't cook. Wow-oh-wow how true this is. It's not that I think it's below me. OHMYGOD that's so not it. It's more like I value your health so much as to not take years off your precious lives by forcing you to ingest things that while only slightly more digestable than play-doh, do not have near as much taste. "I don't do it for the children", as the case may be. I know now that you're visiting other people's homes the liklihood of even half of those Moms being "normal" is pretty good. So the time will soon be upon us where you may confuse me for a "Dad" and want to see my "burrito". I'm writing this in hopes of heading that one off at the pass. (There's nothing to see here folks....move along.) But you know...I have fantasies where I take a cooking course and find out I'm a brilliant chef I just needed to believe in myself! You'll just have to trust me when I say that the moment was/is beautiful. I replay it often and there is never a moment in any of my fantasizing where your father laughs at me as I know he is now as he reads this. (HEY! I HAVE A HEART YA KNOW...WITH FEELINGS AND WHATEVER!) Eh. Anyway...good thing it doesn't really mean all that much to me. Maybe in a past life I was horribly burned in a cooking accident. ohmygod...was that too graphic for a Mom to write to her kids??????
Which oddly enough brings me gracefully into my #2 (heh I said "#2"...go ahead laugh...I'll wait.........)...
...
...done yet? (ME NEITHER! LOLOLOLOLOL)
*whew* okay now ...*snicker* I'm nearly...*hick*....OOOOKAAAAay ready! Where was I?
Oh yes...
2. I'm oftentimes inappropriate. Now before you start dialing CPS let me explain (gee, I can certainly tell where you got your patience! hint: it's the parent with the "burrito"). It's not the jail-time sort of inappropriate although I've been watching a lot of the History Channel and National Geographic and did you know that there's an old man who's going to jail for 7 years just for talking trash about the ruler of his country? If I had to go to jail for everytime I've talked trash I think your great-grandchildren's great-grandchildren would still be paying the debt. In other words, not only do I often say what I think - I also fail to filter it through the more rational parts of my brain beforehand. Sure it's inconvenient sometimes (more for others than for myself seeing as I don't think I have a soul. Wait...was that too much to admit here too? DAMN!) Anyway. Yeah so it's an inconvenience to others blahblahblah...oh yeah! And it's a minimum 7-year jail term in other countries. So that's harsh. Now that I've learned that tidbit though, I like to think that I'm thoroughly partaking of and enjoying the freedoms of this great land of ours not just for myself, but for all of the people of the world. Or at least those who I only assume wish they could in the unholy, sarcastic, irreverent and tacky way I do. Oh and now is probably not the time for me to stress how you should respect your elders and use your manners huh? How 'bout I leave that to your Dad (THANKS DAD!)...he's all stern like and serious and whatnot.
Okay maybe I won't show this website to you boys until you're no longer my responsibility (ie you can pay your own bail). I'm really no kind of positive influence. Good thing I've managed to exchange the number for CPS with the number for Pizza Hut in all of our phone books, huh!? Course, I pity the poor guy or girl who answers your call expecting just another greedy order for something cheesy that's family sized. They won't know what button to push for "my Mom embarasses me".
You know, this is getting long. I truly had no idea my faults...er...."special circumstances" were so huge. Here I've always thought of them as quirks or character bumps when in truth they're more like parental seizures or ulcerated personality boils.
okay yeah...this blog will remain secret until you also have to pay your own therapy bills.
Love,
Mom
p.s. Seeing as item #2 has already prepared you for this part of me, I think I'll continue this in segments...you know....like dividing up lunch and recess or breakfast/lunch/dinner....
or compensatory and punitive damages (I'll let your therapist explain that one)
*ahem*
1. I don't cook. Wow-oh-wow how true this is. It's not that I think it's below me. OHMYGOD that's so not it. It's more like I value your health so much as to not take years off your precious lives by forcing you to ingest things that while only slightly more digestable than play-doh, do not have near as much taste. "I don't do it for the children", as the case may be. I know now that you're visiting other people's homes the liklihood of even half of those Moms being "normal" is pretty good. So the time will soon be upon us where you may confuse me for a "Dad" and want to see my "burrito". I'm writing this in hopes of heading that one off at the pass. (There's nothing to see here folks....move along.) But you know...I have fantasies where I take a cooking course and find out I'm a brilliant chef I just needed to believe in myself! You'll just have to trust me when I say that the moment was/is beautiful. I replay it often and there is never a moment in any of my fantasizing where your father laughs at me as I know he is now as he reads this. (HEY! I HAVE A HEART YA KNOW...WITH FEELINGS AND WHATEVER!) Eh. Anyway...good thing it doesn't really mean all that much to me. Maybe in a past life I was horribly burned in a cooking accident. ohmygod...was that too graphic for a Mom to write to her kids??????
Which oddly enough brings me gracefully into my #2 (heh I said "#2"...go ahead laugh...I'll wait.........)...
...
...done yet? (ME NEITHER! LOLOLOLOLOL)
*whew* okay now ...*snicker* I'm nearly...*hick*....OOOOKAAAAay ready! Where was I?
Oh yes...
2. I'm oftentimes inappropriate. Now before you start dialing CPS let me explain (gee, I can certainly tell where you got your patience! hint: it's the parent with the "burrito"). It's not the jail-time sort of inappropriate although I've been watching a lot of the History Channel and National Geographic and did you know that there's an old man who's going to jail for 7 years just for talking trash about the ruler of his country? If I had to go to jail for everytime I've talked trash I think your great-grandchildren's great-grandchildren would still be paying the debt. In other words, not only do I often say what I think - I also fail to filter it through the more rational parts of my brain beforehand. Sure it's inconvenient sometimes (more for others than for myself seeing as I don't think I have a soul. Wait...was that too much to admit here too? DAMN!) Anyway. Yeah so it's an inconvenience to others blahblahblah...oh yeah! And it's a minimum 7-year jail term in other countries. So that's harsh. Now that I've learned that tidbit though, I like to think that I'm thoroughly partaking of and enjoying the freedoms of this great land of ours not just for myself, but for all of the people of the world. Or at least those who I only assume wish they could in the unholy, sarcastic, irreverent and tacky way I do. Oh and now is probably not the time for me to stress how you should respect your elders and use your manners huh? How 'bout I leave that to your Dad (THANKS DAD!)...he's all stern like and serious and whatnot.
Okay maybe I won't show this website to you boys until you're no longer my responsibility (ie you can pay your own bail). I'm really no kind of positive influence. Good thing I've managed to exchange the number for CPS with the number for Pizza Hut in all of our phone books, huh!? Course, I pity the poor guy or girl who answers your call expecting just another greedy order for something cheesy that's family sized. They won't know what button to push for "my Mom embarasses me".
You know, this is getting long. I truly had no idea my faults...er...."special circumstances" were so huge. Here I've always thought of them as quirks or character bumps when in truth they're more like parental seizures or ulcerated personality boils.
okay yeah...this blog will remain secret until you also have to pay your own therapy bills.
Love,
Mom
p.s. Seeing as item #2 has already prepared you for this part of me, I think I'll continue this in segments...you know....like dividing up lunch and recess or breakfast/lunch/dinner....
or compensatory and punitive damages (I'll let your therapist explain that one)
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