You know, I have no idea if this is going to be a serious post or a humorous post so I hope whatever shock I dispense isn't something you're unable to get over. Because that would be sad and god knows there's just too much of that in the world already.
First, let me tell you about my parents. You know that Dad died when you boys were relatively little, though you still have little memories here and there. For Chrissy she was allowed 5 more years than you Trevor and 8 more than Jack, so her understanding of him as a person and grandpa is a little more detailed. My Mom to be honest never let anyone close unless she had use for them. I know that may seem like an unkind thing to say, but I didn't make the rules she chose to live by. I know I wish I could've changed that part of her as much as you might now. For reasons I'll never understand, it just wasn't meant to be. I choose to use that description in order to tell you that she chose not to include you boys in her life because I think at the time you two were born she had become completely incapable of doing so. It took me a long time to figure out how to protect you from her rejection and I hope I have not failed you too much with my decisions.
And that is why I'm writing this. I love/loved my Dad so much and while he wasn't a "talk your heart out" type of person, he was always gentle, always kind and loved me and my brothers as if we were his own. I loved my Mom but was never allowed to get close to her. She was uncomfortable sharing her life with me and I don't know why. Perhaps it was generational meaning that nobody raised during the late 40's, early 50's was raised expressing their feelings or talking about their problems with anyone. Having not lived then I can't be sure of that, but it's an idea I've given some thought to.
I must've been born a person with the need to talk (by now you all know you take after me in that area, I think we could talk paint off the side of a building LOL). Growing up I had nobody to talk to. I felt isolated even though I was part of a family of 5 and had parents who constantly showered gifts on me. I would've traded every single one of those gifts in half a heartbeat if I could've had one honest, heart-to-heart conversation with my Mother. I don't include my Dad in this only because what I was seeking was confirmation that I was a normal girl. I knew Dad loved me regardless but I wanted to know how to go about being me and part of being me was being a girl.
You know I was adopted when I was 7 so I had no real female role models before then and once I got one, she couldn't help me. There were things about life in general that I didn't like because in my mind they were tied to abuse from when I was very young, before grandma and grandpa. I've talked about some of this with each of you as you've asked and at a level that matched your age. So it's not news to you. Growing up I wasn't sure if my dislike of all things domestic was okay or not. I always did the housework whether I liked it or not and Mom and Dad as well as earlier foster parents never did any. So I have no idea if that is how it's done or should be done. I don't know a lot actually and I hope that doesn't scare you too much. Being at the mercy of a parent who admits they have no clue and are simply going by gut feeling probably isn't what you wanted to hear. I could be contributing to your therapy fund after all.
I'm making up my parenting technique as I go along and it's not only because of the examples I was raised with. I also had no idea what parenting at these various stages of your development would be like. I knew better than to expect any of you to be "like" either your fathers or me. So I understood I was raising a completely new person. Each time. So I understood the need for flexibility. But have you ever been told by a teacher or maybe even us to "just be flexible" and you're thinking...."what in the world does that mean???"? Well, me too. There are so many ways to be flexible, what way is needed at each given moment based on what each of you has experienced and the choices you've made?
I wonder if other parents have these answers. I wonder if the ones raised with distinct roles and active parents know whether they will choose parts of how they were raised and then work in their own style. I wonder because I don't have the option of choosing parts of how I was raised because I was financially supported but that's as far as it went. I never went without things, but I never received the guidance, the history, the complete acceptance that who I was becoming was okay.
I'm not writing this to scare you. I remember like it was yesterday the uncertainties of growing up and learning how to make choices because they each seemed like they had the ability to change everything. And growing up, you're not sure you're even supposed to be changing your life...I mean is that okay?...will it make someone mad?...what do the people you love expect from you?....you don't like disappointing them...and god knows if you do something that changes your life in a way they don't like, you'll feel awful? Am I close? Do you ever think any of those things? Because if I'm determined to be honest with you I have to say I always did and still do to some extent. The main difference is that I'm now making choices for YOUR lives. So instead of just worrying about my choices impacting my future, I worry about them impacting yours. More than anything I want to give you a firm foundation from which to emerge into a world where you're prepared and confident in who you are and the choices you make. So each choice I make before you've even got the ability to understand it's impact, does in fact lay that groundwork.
My fear? That I don't have the right history, training or understanding to do this right. I can't use my past for anything more than a long list of "What Not To Do". But even when you've narrowed those down, the sheer volume of better options is staggering. It's not always 50/50; by getting rid of a bad option you don't automatically face the remaing good option. Oh how I wish it were so!
I don't know how a Mom is supposed to be. I only know the kind I don't want to be and the kind I am able to be. As much as my Mom did wrong by choice I have come to the understanding now that they weren't individual choices. My Mom didn't choose the wrong option everytime something came up, it was much simpler than that. She chose fear. For reasons I may never know, she ran from an intimate and bonding relationship with me and with you. After more than 20 years I ran out of ways to try to fix that. And to keep in accordance with what I tell you all, it simply wasn't and isn't my place to change her or anyone else, just like it's not your place to change those around you. We all have ultimate responsibility to and for ourselves. Growing up, as a child, people come and go from your life a lot: new teachers, new friends, new schools, new neibhorhoods. Your parents are the constants (or they should be). But as parents, raising kids, you don't stop growing and learning because you've reached adulthood. We don't graduate from childhood with the ability to parent. And as often as I've thought maybe some of us should have, I know how impossible that would be considering we have no idea what the personality of the child or children we're blessed with will need beforehand. We each do what we can. Some parents may have too much fear to move completely into parenthood from childhood and instead of choosing honesty communication and acceptance, choose to hide as much as possible hoping not to ever need to relive whatever burdens they carry.
I no longer blame my Mom for failing me because I now know that she was simply unable to provide what I needed and couldn't let go of her fears of the past long enough to see to our future. I am writing this because I don't want to fail you...any of you. I try very hard to be there for you but already know I have failed to meet every circumstance. I can't do it all, everyday for everyone. And while I hope this is normal or at least understandable by you three, I will never really know if I've missed on something important unless you tell me. And I'll never be able to take it back though I can express my regrets. I know disappointment is a fact of life that every person must come to grips with and learn how to function in spite of. But I also know about total, all-encompassing disappointment..the kind that affects everything from the mundane to the life-altering. I never want to disappoint in a way that would scar you the way I was. Some things are unavoidable and it's those that while upsetting will still happen in our lives together as there's no help for it and I don't think there should be. As I said, the world is full of them and I don't think I'd be any kind of parent if I insisted on protecting you from your own future.
Anyway, I hope this one day helps you to understand that should I fail you in a way that scars you...that was not my intent. Every day I wake up with the knowledge that you are each a gift to me and hope my energy and patience last long enough to bring something loving to you. I don't know how important it will be to any of you to hear "I'm sorry" when I make mistakes. I say it because I want you to understand that mistakes aren't just for kids. I also say it because I wanted really badly to hear that from my own Mom. She couldn't and that's okay now. From that I learned that it was a message I wanted to pass on. So you will notice I have no fear of telling you I've messed up and asking your forgiveness. I simply hope that is sufficient. Because in raising you, I'm doing the best I can with the life I've been given and have made for myself.
Let it be enough.
First, let me tell you about my parents. You know that Dad died when you boys were relatively little, though you still have little memories here and there. For Chrissy she was allowed 5 more years than you Trevor and 8 more than Jack, so her understanding of him as a person and grandpa is a little more detailed. My Mom to be honest never let anyone close unless she had use for them. I know that may seem like an unkind thing to say, but I didn't make the rules she chose to live by. I know I wish I could've changed that part of her as much as you might now. For reasons I'll never understand, it just wasn't meant to be. I choose to use that description in order to tell you that she chose not to include you boys in her life because I think at the time you two were born she had become completely incapable of doing so. It took me a long time to figure out how to protect you from her rejection and I hope I have not failed you too much with my decisions.
And that is why I'm writing this. I love/loved my Dad so much and while he wasn't a "talk your heart out" type of person, he was always gentle, always kind and loved me and my brothers as if we were his own. I loved my Mom but was never allowed to get close to her. She was uncomfortable sharing her life with me and I don't know why. Perhaps it was generational meaning that nobody raised during the late 40's, early 50's was raised expressing their feelings or talking about their problems with anyone. Having not lived then I can't be sure of that, but it's an idea I've given some thought to.
I must've been born a person with the need to talk (by now you all know you take after me in that area, I think we could talk paint off the side of a building LOL). Growing up I had nobody to talk to. I felt isolated even though I was part of a family of 5 and had parents who constantly showered gifts on me. I would've traded every single one of those gifts in half a heartbeat if I could've had one honest, heart-to-heart conversation with my Mother. I don't include my Dad in this only because what I was seeking was confirmation that I was a normal girl. I knew Dad loved me regardless but I wanted to know how to go about being me and part of being me was being a girl.
You know I was adopted when I was 7 so I had no real female role models before then and once I got one, she couldn't help me. There were things about life in general that I didn't like because in my mind they were tied to abuse from when I was very young, before grandma and grandpa. I've talked about some of this with each of you as you've asked and at a level that matched your age. So it's not news to you. Growing up I wasn't sure if my dislike of all things domestic was okay or not. I always did the housework whether I liked it or not and Mom and Dad as well as earlier foster parents never did any. So I have no idea if that is how it's done or should be done. I don't know a lot actually and I hope that doesn't scare you too much. Being at the mercy of a parent who admits they have no clue and are simply going by gut feeling probably isn't what you wanted to hear. I could be contributing to your therapy fund after all.
I'm making up my parenting technique as I go along and it's not only because of the examples I was raised with. I also had no idea what parenting at these various stages of your development would be like. I knew better than to expect any of you to be "like" either your fathers or me. So I understood I was raising a completely new person. Each time. So I understood the need for flexibility. But have you ever been told by a teacher or maybe even us to "just be flexible" and you're thinking...."what in the world does that mean???"? Well, me too. There are so many ways to be flexible, what way is needed at each given moment based on what each of you has experienced and the choices you've made?
I wonder if other parents have these answers. I wonder if the ones raised with distinct roles and active parents know whether they will choose parts of how they were raised and then work in their own style. I wonder because I don't have the option of choosing parts of how I was raised because I was financially supported but that's as far as it went. I never went without things, but I never received the guidance, the history, the complete acceptance that who I was becoming was okay.
I'm not writing this to scare you. I remember like it was yesterday the uncertainties of growing up and learning how to make choices because they each seemed like they had the ability to change everything. And growing up, you're not sure you're even supposed to be changing your life...I mean is that okay?...will it make someone mad?...what do the people you love expect from you?....you don't like disappointing them...and god knows if you do something that changes your life in a way they don't like, you'll feel awful? Am I close? Do you ever think any of those things? Because if I'm determined to be honest with you I have to say I always did and still do to some extent. The main difference is that I'm now making choices for YOUR lives. So instead of just worrying about my choices impacting my future, I worry about them impacting yours. More than anything I want to give you a firm foundation from which to emerge into a world where you're prepared and confident in who you are and the choices you make. So each choice I make before you've even got the ability to understand it's impact, does in fact lay that groundwork.
My fear? That I don't have the right history, training or understanding to do this right. I can't use my past for anything more than a long list of "What Not To Do". But even when you've narrowed those down, the sheer volume of better options is staggering. It's not always 50/50; by getting rid of a bad option you don't automatically face the remaing good option. Oh how I wish it were so!
I don't know how a Mom is supposed to be. I only know the kind I don't want to be and the kind I am able to be. As much as my Mom did wrong by choice I have come to the understanding now that they weren't individual choices. My Mom didn't choose the wrong option everytime something came up, it was much simpler than that. She chose fear. For reasons I may never know, she ran from an intimate and bonding relationship with me and with you. After more than 20 years I ran out of ways to try to fix that. And to keep in accordance with what I tell you all, it simply wasn't and isn't my place to change her or anyone else, just like it's not your place to change those around you. We all have ultimate responsibility to and for ourselves. Growing up, as a child, people come and go from your life a lot: new teachers, new friends, new schools, new neibhorhoods. Your parents are the constants (or they should be). But as parents, raising kids, you don't stop growing and learning because you've reached adulthood. We don't graduate from childhood with the ability to parent. And as often as I've thought maybe some of us should have, I know how impossible that would be considering we have no idea what the personality of the child or children we're blessed with will need beforehand. We each do what we can. Some parents may have too much fear to move completely into parenthood from childhood and instead of choosing honesty communication and acceptance, choose to hide as much as possible hoping not to ever need to relive whatever burdens they carry.
I no longer blame my Mom for failing me because I now know that she was simply unable to provide what I needed and couldn't let go of her fears of the past long enough to see to our future. I am writing this because I don't want to fail you...any of you. I try very hard to be there for you but already know I have failed to meet every circumstance. I can't do it all, everyday for everyone. And while I hope this is normal or at least understandable by you three, I will never really know if I've missed on something important unless you tell me. And I'll never be able to take it back though I can express my regrets. I know disappointment is a fact of life that every person must come to grips with and learn how to function in spite of. But I also know about total, all-encompassing disappointment..the kind that affects everything from the mundane to the life-altering. I never want to disappoint in a way that would scar you the way I was. Some things are unavoidable and it's those that while upsetting will still happen in our lives together as there's no help for it and I don't think there should be. As I said, the world is full of them and I don't think I'd be any kind of parent if I insisted on protecting you from your own future.
Anyway, I hope this one day helps you to understand that should I fail you in a way that scars you...that was not my intent. Every day I wake up with the knowledge that you are each a gift to me and hope my energy and patience last long enough to bring something loving to you. I don't know how important it will be to any of you to hear "I'm sorry" when I make mistakes. I say it because I want you to understand that mistakes aren't just for kids. I also say it because I wanted really badly to hear that from my own Mom. She couldn't and that's okay now. From that I learned that it was a message I wanted to pass on. So you will notice I have no fear of telling you I've messed up and asking your forgiveness. I simply hope that is sufficient. Because in raising you, I'm doing the best I can with the life I've been given and have made for myself.
Let it be enough.
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