Vibrations

photo credit: "Earned Stillness" by Diane Varner

With age I'm slowly learning that people don't exist in a vacuum. While not exactly an epiphany, it's an awareness I never grasped as wholly in my life as I've begun to over the past few years. And it's not so much the knowledge of our actions having consequences or even that they have the potential to impact others we come into contact with, though that's certainly an important basic factor. For me, the lesson is that every individual action reverberates along very similar, if not identical, pathways.

You say huh?

Yeah, I can hear your mind smoldering with verbiage overload. But simply put, our experiences aren't any more unique than those of others. At any point and time, we are never the only ones experiencing life's challenges, blessings or miracles. And that means at any given time we are never the only ones messing things up, or the only ones finally getting it right.

Over time, I've learned how to make these connections and truly see the many contiguous patterns all around me; in art, in pictures, in writings...in my life. I can recall past events and people with a clarity and depth of understanding that enables me to finally see how each has brought the world as I see it to this place in time. We are all both crucial and insignificant and as inconsonant as this statement may seem, it's in complete fellowship with the rest of nature. Taken individually every aspect of life loses some of it's impact and as a set, it's personality.

I can recall feeling alternately isolated in my mistakes and wholly culpable in place of and as a warning to others at various points throughout my life. There isn't one solid instance or aspect I could point a finger at in total judgment. And since I think every child deserves an explanation when their parents part ways and begin living in opposite directions, Chrissy, I would like to give my thoughts on how I helped in creating your father and my divorce.

The way I see it, divorces don't materialize out of thin air. They happen after hours, days, months and years of mutual creation. None ever starts out as truly hideous, unless you're masochistic, which we weren't. We were naive, immature and ill-suited for each other. When your father and I met we were seniors in high school and I was already dating Tony. This was a sore point with all three of us for many years to come. And I count it as the first of my many mistakes. For awhile I was dating them both though I chose to call the dates with your dad "tutoring". I was such a liar. It's lies like these that may seem harmless or irrelevent at the time as you chalk it up to being young and sowing your wild oats (nevermind that you think in terms of what you'll wear Friday night and who likes whom). But truthfully, in treating them both with such cavalier indifference, I hurt us all in ways that would take years to overcome. While I may have been meant to cross paths with your dad in order to receive the blessing that is you, I should've done it with more integrity.

As far as attraction goes, the thing that drew me to your dad initially was his eyes; he had the most brilliant blue eyes. But as you'll discover later when you date, it is quite possible to like something about someone and not lie and cheat to date them. Being selfish, silly and stupid (the three deadly S's), I just didn't have the courage to handle it the right way. I was sure, after feeling my life spiralling out of control, that meeting your dad was a sign that I should move on from the type of boy I usually fell for to a more serious home-body. Lacking any self-control I began to gravitate to those who were not only smart, but who didn't party and were active religiously, hoping like hell that their influence would be enough. He wasn't the type of boy I usually dated and at that time that was reason enough to want to spend time with him. I believed my life warranted "saving", I just couldn't do it alone. Nevermind that this is something every person must do for themselves. It was completely unfair of me to expect your dad to fill a void he had no idea even existed.

Our individual histories played a key role in how we each handled our time together and the experiences we shared. For me, my teen years were defined by a troubled childhood during which I often acted out to get attention. Lacking purpose, self-esteem and positive direction I relied heavily on the acceptance and attention of those around me. Your father came from a family with it's own share of problems and he bore those the heaviest during that time in our lives. It was undeniably the worst time for both of us to even consider undertaking such a serious commitment. The only people I had to reach out to for guidance were ill-equipped to offer truly sound advice and I believe your dad faced a similar situation.

As I've learned to become more honest with myself, I've accepted the fact that I liked your dad but I didn't love him. I was a selfish girl raised by a selfish mom so I thought in selfish terms. I wanted out of that town and away from my mother. I married because I knew that if I stayed there, living with my parents, I would never have a life of my own. I feared mom taking and raising you and I was too ignorant to understand that I couldn't be forced into anything. I had rights, I had options...I just didn't know it. Mom gave me only two choices as a still-underaged pregnant teen who relied solely on her financially: I could get married or tell everyone I didn't know who the father was and let her raise you. I don't think I've ever told anyone that. Whatever our differences and however toxic we were for each other, your dad was and always will be your dad. I couldn't say otherwise.

Finally, bringing up the rear of this massive Guilt-Train was my mom's mom, your great-grandmother, who was dieing from ovarian cancer. She begged me to repay my parents for their compassionate act of adoption by doing "the right thing". Even now, with the protection of time, the pressure of it all is enough to burst a vessel! I wish I could've made a few different choices and still gotten you and the life I have now. I'm just not sure that would've been possible.

My reasons for getting married were unfair to all three of us. Though I think it was most unfair to you, your dad and Tony. At the very least I owed both men a thorough explanation of my feelings and I owed you a stronger mother. I wish I'd had the ability to be that honest with myself back then. I wish I hadn't been so easily influenced in the wrong direction. I wish I'd been stronger during those times I should've been and learned to let go during others. I had more power than I understood at the time and it was an ultimate act of laziness and fear to allow others to call the shots. Your dad and I were never meant to be married, but if I'd known then what I know now, we could've all been spared a ton of grief.

You dad and I didn't have a love for each other to help cushion our many blunders so it was all too easy to slide into immature, hurtful patterns as time moved along. Neither of us could see past the other person's faults nor did we have access to mentors capable of leading us by example to a place of mutual respect. Ultimately, after our divorce, it was our love for you that became our common ground. And with time it began to serve as the foundation on which we could finally learn the practice of respect.

Aside from gaining you as my daughter, I would have to say the greatest miracle to arise from that time in our lives was our collective ability to find forgiveness. Tony forgiving me, Your dad forgiving me, me forgiving your dad and me forgiving myself. Because of that our individual wounds were allowed to heal and we were each more capable of moving on as solid human beings. It's in this state that we were each finally worthy of finding the partners we were meant to be with.

Your dad has recently remarried and I couldn't have chosen a better step-mom for you. She is everything I'm not and was never able to be for your dad (and for you) and I was truly pleased to learn he'd finally found his happiness. More than that, I'm thrilled that you get the benefit of her upbringing and that she shares herself so openly with you. It's good to know that when I'm not around, your mother-figure is a person of such integrity who cares deeply for you and your dad. It's so important to live with a loving influence.

And there's the irony I guess, for me anyway. That a relationship which arose from such dishonesty has finally lead us all to this place we're so clearly meant to be.

This is why I can't say I'd truly change a thing. Each lesson served a purpose and each trial built character. Even in the moments I thought I'd die from the heartache, there was a seed for necessary change. So it seems that the choices we once made in ignorance have reverberated along our web, creating the appropriate rhythms and vibrations meant to complete all our lives. This is how it was meant to be and I'm thankful.