This photo always shocks me. It was taken a full month before I finally gave birth to my first son, Trevor. I look at this picture and almost weep for my skin. Forget terrorism, the bird flu, tainted peanut butter or Bush's second term in office...this is what real fear is made of. Sometimes in my dreams I go back. Helpless and unable to alter my course I must once again succumb to my enormity. It's as if that particular moment in time has the ability to reach forward with it's clammy, edemic near sausage-like hands and snatch me back. Only in my dreams I give birth to things that better reflect my true potential during that moment of my life: a Buick, giant beach ball, or the entire cast of "Friends" including special guests. *shudder* I'd love to say it was easy, fun or even tolerable. But sweetie, Trevor...Mommy loves you almost more than air. And well, I just can't lie. You were huge. I was huge. Together we were downright frightening! See, this is why nobody is allowed to give me crap about the tiny cuteness that was my first pregnancy. I paid people! Man oh man I paid.
For awhile it was fun (in a perverted way I suppose) to watch how big I was getting. I think we all thought I'd stop growing eventually. Either that or I'd split open like a forgotten can of biscuits resting innocently beneath the passenger's seat of your 1991 Geo Metro in the middle of July. Or the can of Dr. Pepper the kids left "for later" in the third seat of your 2003 Kia Sedona the day you couldn't find any shady parking at the zoo in late August. Yeah, it was like both of those only with my uterus.
Still. Even then I was blessed with a child that caused me to grow in a direction I never knew existed. My heart expands and my life evolves in new, exciting ways every day. I tease him about that picture and we laugh together just as we ached together then. If the pregnancy was hard on my body, the birth was hard on his. So we each paid our dues and as much as I endured I would've taken his pains as well if I could have. Getting him into this world was not easy. Lucky for me, they at least provided drugs.
I only labored with him for 4 hours but the "in your face" elation that brought dissipated over the 4 additional hours I struggled to push him out. I worried about his heart rate many times as it dropped and slowly rebounded again and again. At one point we thought I'd require a c-section but that idea was soon abandoned when the doctor realized he was stuck and shoving him back in was just as difficult as getting him out. Since he was further out than in, that was the way he had to come. I think the term is shoulder dysplasia and it can occur more often with larger babies. Basically his head was out, but his shoulders wouldn't budge. It took 4 hours of pushing, one particularly aggressive nurse pushing painfully on my belly and one nervous doctor playing twist-n-snip with my no-no special place to finally get him here. I ended up with two separate cuts while he looked like he'd gone 3 rounds with Mike Tyson.
But once he was out and he took that first breath I remember so clearly how our eyes flew open and his dad and I both said in near-unison... "JESUS HE'S HUGE!". And he was. The breath that first inflated his lungs caused his chest to expand to an impressive 15 inches. If he'd been green instead of pink I might've thought I'd given birth to The Hulk. Newborn hats and shirts were too snug for his pudgy body and I had to send his dad home to bring back some of his 3 month clothes just so he'd have something to wear. He was so cute and cuddly like the bald teddy bear I'd always wanted. Though to be fair, he looked more like a squishy bowling ball than anything the way he collapsed into the typical lanky fetal position. On him it only served to make him look completely capable of rolling away should we take our hands off of him on a slanted surface. Minus his head lacerations, black eyes, cut cheek and bruised shoulder...he was perfect.
That was eleven years ago this October 1st at 4:14pm. He doesn't look like he was born at 9lbs 9oz at only 19 inches long. I was actually sad when I noticed his baby fat leaving. And now as he steadily approaches my height with no end in sight I'm left in awe of his transformation. From cute, cuddly cherub to tall, toned Trevor!
Every day is full of warmth and humor because of you.
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